A wave gave him back
(what follows is a text I sent to our friends Anne and Josh. Rage gave way to gratitude as I continued to write and slow healing began)
May 7, 2024
Hi. They completed the autopsy yesterday and determined he drowned. No broken bones and only a few scratches and a black eye.
We went to the river — it made me so angry. It was raging!! My cautious brain struggled to understand why he even went in but Jason and Krist, Jason’s best friend and father of one of Saunder’s dearest and longest friends, could understand. They even feel like they know where he meant to stop.
I almost left, but we all continued on to find where S&R recovered him. I envisioned a calm little inlet at the mouth of the river. It wasn’t. But somehow he was found — J thinks a wave gave him back to us; placed him on a rock we stood above because nothing else makes sense. It’s wild out here. Only divineness working through nature and incredible individuals makes sense.
I am finding peace in the miracle that we’ll get to see him — touch his skin and say goodbye. The beautiful body that held our young man’s adventurous spirit.
This is so painful. I’ll never know how his last moments were. Jason believes he was in tactical work mode and then it was just done—that quick. Asher said “he had the ride of his life—not everybody gets to ride a waterfall!”
Ash is all torn up and angry that he’s gone but the ending doesn’t scare him—at this time he seems peaceful and understands how the last 10 mins (maybe?) of his time went. He, Jason, and Saunder are cut from the same cloth — they “get” Saunder’s adrenaline junkie lifestyle because it is Jason’s style and it’s Asher’s spirit.
It’s strange to me but I knew I couldn’t change him. I saw that red kayak in our yard 3 weeks ago and Saunder standing over it beaming. And Jason calmly talking about the sport and proper caution but also beaming and an honest wave of worry came over me and I thought “this is it. this is the way… isn’t it God?” But I never said anything or warned him and as I’m writing this I’m so glad for that—I would have never wanted to wonder if he had a fleeting last thought of “my mom told me so” I would never want him to think he was disappointing me. Saunder was going to do what he was going to do because once he decided to DO he DID without question of the outcome—if he went for it, he whole heartedly believed he was capable of victory. He had so many victories. More than most will experience in a life that spans 100 years.
::
I’ll send a couple photos of Saunder’s dorm. He is so cool.
I loved him so hard.
I’m so grateful to have had his love. What a gift I was given.