May 28, 2023

On May 6th we walked into Saunder’s dorm room on the North Shore, Lutsen resort. His space was a journey through all parts of him. On the wall across from the door he’d built a floor to ceiling climbing wall - his bike, snowboard, camping and bouldering equipment, all nestled into this corner. A windowsill was lined with rocks and in front of it a reading chair and bookshelf holding books from mushroom foraging to mountaineering, a crystal bible and his latest curiosity the study of reiki. The furthest corner of the room was his meditation altar that held his Buddha, incense, and crystals - his black meditation pillow position beneath the stand. Next to this altar was his bed and nightstand. His nightstand was a shrine to all the things he held most dear. Griffin’s ashes, a piece of art he made with our cousin Jessie, a letter from mom and dad, and next to that, a letter I had snuck into his bag before he moved to Lutsen, with a necklace he had made me on top of it.

The letter I wrote him read:

“Hi Saunder. It’s your sister. I’m writing this to remind you that you are talented and ambitious and I’m excited to see where photography and your other ventures take you in life. I am very proud of you. I can’t wait until I’m of an age where I can create my own path and choose what speaks to me. You have shown me that it’s okay to change the course in which you go, to follow your passions and desires. I miss you everyday but I am so envious and eager to hear about the opportunities and experiences you are exposed to. I love you. Avery”

I knew from the calls, texts and time Saunder and I shared, and from the time I spent in his dorm room on May 6th, how deeply Saunder cares for me and how special the relationship we had was in his life. I know he is listening now, and I want him to know how deeply I care for him and the inspiration he is to me.

Saunder,

I’ve been fortunate enough to watch and admire you through every stage of your life. When we were young, I admired your imagination as we spent days outside constructing small forts for playing “house” with our neighbors. I admired your strength when on August 10th, 2015 you were diagnosed with Leukemia. Through your 4 years of treatment and all the years to follow I admired your optimism. I admired your love for nature as you lead our family on every hike, keeping a rather aggressive pace and often encouraging us to ditch the beaten path and find “trails'' on our own.

I admired… and shook my head at your ability to laugh at any and all of your jokes… often before anyone else could, often harder than anyone. You kept it light. Always creating a safe space - free of judgment and open to all topics of conversation and all types of people. Which brings me to a skill of yours that has and will always be present - connecting with others. I noticed your gift of connection when you joined as a helper for the 3 Strings, a member of the LLS, as a caretaker at Supportive Living Solutions, in your first year at Montana State, when you joined the Lutsen Resort staff.

You have an incredible ability to meet people where they are at, to acknowledge their past and understand how it has sculpted their present. You carry this ability with you in every venture, of which there are many. You follow every passion, every calling, every dream, every desire. This may be what I admire most. It’s what led you to the peace you found on the North Shore; in your past, present, and future self, in your relationships, in Mother Nature. I’m so grateful you found that peace. That you were grounded and one with the earth.

You learned so much about the world and about yourself in this last year and you shared that knowledge with so many. My only wish is that I could keep learning from you, that I could continue to admire your traits, with you on this earth. Although Ebie's mom said something that brought me comfort, she said that you are with me, in every fiber of my being. That we will continue to learn from you because there’s so much of you in us and us in you.

I was given your wanderlust, your wisdom and the ability to lead with love. We thought so similarly and enlightened each other with our knowledge. From you I learned to dream big, I learned the value of discovering, loving, and learning from yourself. You came to me for advice and guidance in all aspects of your life. You often worried about us while you were away and wondered if you should come home. I was there to ease your worries and remind you of the importance of seeing through your ambitions. All we wanted for each other was joy in what we were doing, love and deep connection with others and ourselves. It was never about age between us, there was no order or hierarchy as often implied by birth order — just two souls experiencing and expressing from our own place of interpretation and love for one another.

Asher was given your optimism in any situation, your curiosity, and excitement for adventure and learning. You taught him the ins and outs of all things outdoors. Every hobby he has is influenced by you. And from him you learned to carry your child-like wonder in all your endeavors. To ask questions and embrace the unknown. Through his eagerness to learn you were taught to teach. You learned the importance of your words and in sharing your story.

Mama carries your tender heart and unwavering love. She loved to learn from you. Eager to hear of all your recent passions, listen as you shared experiences with new people, explored new religions, and grew deeper into yourself. Mom is in constant awe of the man you have become. And you, in constant awe of her. Your bond is like no other. I’ve always known this. Mom knew how to love you. Rather, you knew how to love each other. You and her spoke to each other without words, you embraced without touch, you were connected regardless of distance - your minds and hearts aligned. Mama taught you to give grace - to others and to yourself. From her you learned there is good in all things but it takes patience to find what is good for you. This patience was taught as you endured 4 years with sickness, through this, and always, she gave you her strength and you gave her yours. She loved you hard, understood you deeply, nurtured and guided you always. Mama was your angel.

Dad has your connection to the earth. The understanding of what it can teach you and how you can learn from it. In addition, he holds your ability to entertain and relate to all people. You had stars in your eyes for dad - aspiring and succeeding in making him proud. You gained his adventurous spirit and love for nature, his fearlessness paired with practicality, always learning from his experiences and sharing your own adventures.

I know you’re already on to your new adventure, carrying us with you. I know you’re watching as we explore this life - each day continuing to learn from you.

I’m forever inspired by you.

I love you, saunder.

Yours,

Avery