Four Months

Tomorrow marks 4 months without Saunder.

Four months and I still arrest my subconscious multiple times a day as it serves to recall every detail of May 5th. The recollection is precise down to every detail… my soul exiting; an inability to breathe; swirling trauma; incredulity; a lighting bolt of pain that starts in my bones and sends shockwaves in every direction inside me. 

The governing protocol we were obligated to follow that poured salt in my wounds — 6 excruciating days would pass before we could lay eyes and hands on Saunder and confirm this awful truth. 

I surrender every day to the tormented recollection of all of these events. It’s a suffering that must change and I will see to it that it does. I will work every day to soften the edges of grief and build layers overtop of the hole it has left.  

As hold all of this in one hand I hold an equally powerful truth in the other. 

This terrible pain can be a good teacher and given effort and patience it will permanently soften and add to my wisdom and compassion. 

My memories of Saunder and photos and snapshots that portray our love, ease, joy, daily lives and special experiences sustain me. As well as my faith, spirituality, and the every day experiences we still have with Saunder. In our home we are forever changed from the the signs he shares to let us know our connection and our love is alive and well.