The Wait & Choosing to Forgive

I had no one to forgive. I saw the blessing and felt the relief in this. Grief is so complex, but mine was not further complicated by anger and disappointment brought on because of another’s actions.

I wasn’t angry at Saunder, my eager but calculated adventurous son. 

I had trust in God, and faith in the universe from the moment we learned of Saunder’s death. As I hugged my dad I told him, “I don’t understand it, but I trust it.”

Saunder didn’t die in a car accident — hit by another driver or while being driven by a friend.

His death was not at the hands of another in a senseless crime.  

He wasn’t adventuring with a friend that would have to carry their own guilt and leave me to wonder if they could have changed an outcome. 

He didn’t suffer from cancer, again, and die from the disease he had once defeated. An outcome that would have carried great potential to challenge my belief in God.

I wasn’t angry at myself for not speaking up when I had the premonition on April 24th that Saunder would be lost tragically in a kayak accident. The words that left my mouth seconds after the deputy shared of the fatality were not my words. They were the words of Saunder spoken through me, “No regrets. We loved each other so well.” The words left my mouth and circled in my thoughts over and over, “No regrets.”

I had no one to forgive, until you…

To a deputy and an investigator:

On May 5th I begged to see Saunder. I pleaded to hold him, touch his skin and hair, kiss him… to care for him in his death as I had in his life. I needed this. Wasn’t this my right? He is our son. I carried him; we tended to his every need as a baby, fed his curiosity as a toddler, chased him as a rambunctious boy, encouraged him as an adventurous youth, nursed him as an adolescent and teen with cancer, and steadied and encouraged him as a young man. We are one. Devoted to each other. Providing for each other for 20 years. He was mine to behold with my own eyes and take in my arms. But you told us “the bag is closed”. Your tone was gentle; your words were piercing. You told us to choose a funeral home in order to see our child. And then we waited 6 days. Six days in agony, waiting to confirm this truth. Needing to see him to begin the grieving that laid beyond the disbelief and shock.

I forgive you. My heart knows you are good and well intended. I believe you acted to the best of your knowledge. It is your knowledge that must change.

You should have told us where control of the state ended and control of Saunder passed to us. When we said we needed to see him you should have said, “you have rights”. You should be a resource in the darkest most unfathomable and paralyzing days of a parents life. You should have done this because you should have known better. It is your responsibility to know that laws changed in 2010 to protect us; to care for us. Know the law. It is your duty to know and a moral obligation to share. 

All of this is said in love. I forgive you. I forgive your mistakes and irresponsible choice to not stay abreast on laws that directly impact the families and loved ones of the deceased you deal with daily.  I can not forget. I choose forgiveness and letting go. Saunder’s legacy is one of love. I choose love in honor of his legacy.

On October 11th, my therapist of 23 years shared the research she found after learning of the pain we held as a “result of protocol” . She connected me with The Minnesota Threshold Network. A group that was formed to support the rights of those in situations like the one we found ourself in on May 5th and the days that followed until Saunder was cremated. The network formed because rights, like ours, had been violated far too many times since the laws surrounding control and care of the dead had changed. Minnesota Threshold Network can be a resource, as well as facilitator, for families wishing to hold private ceremonies for deceased loved ones. They are knowledgable about funeral homes that offer family members to visit and care for their loved one in death. They bring awareness around laws supporting the families of deceased and dispel the inaccuracies and falsehoods around where control of the state ends and control of kin begins.  Minnesota Threshold Network 

Funeral homes are allowed agency in the operation of their business. However, if not obligatory by law shouldn’t it at least be a moral obligation to tell a family member that is expressing urgency in visiting their loved one that this option is available to them at other funeral homes? Is there no sympathy for the grieving families you encounter? Have you no integrity? To the family that has chosen cremation, make the honorable decision to share that while your business does not allow the rental of a casket, there are other funeral homes that do. Silence driven by greed. Is this really the business you wish to conduct? 

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Saunder chose love; He lived in Love. I choose the same. Forgiveness resides in the Love Chamber. Resentment, grudges, anger reside in the Fear Chamber — love blockers. Forgiveness was my portal to living in Love.

I know forgiveness is easier for me to offer because of the love, empathy, advocacy, and generosity of our friends Beth and James. They reached the North Shore ahead of us with intentions to join Search and Rescue. When we learned of Saunder’s death they took on the role of caretakers. Jason and I became childlike – unable to perform functions to meet the basic needs of ourselves, Avery, and Asher. After Jason and I chose a funeral home they were kind, protective, and persistent advocates in the arrangements for Saunder. When I became physically ill at the thought of Saunder in a funeral home and wished for the impossible… to see Saunder again in a beautiful home… Beth, bold and determined, asked the funeral director that Saunder be brought in the morning to their home and they obliged. On the morning of May 10th my dear Mary and Beth prepared to host an intimate gathering for 40 family members and chosen family members. I finally saw my SON!! Basketed in sunlight that filled the gorgeous private sunroom that was adorned in candles and stunning floral arrangements from Brown and Green. From this grand display of deep and boundless love healing began, hurt and disappointment eased, and my heart opened to forgiveness.