Duality

I carry him in my heart…

Love goes on and on.

We are energetic beings….

Energy goes on and on

The truth is—I would not change any thing. 

Not his living or his passing. 

I trust in all of this. 

I believe in all of this. 

I believe this was his contract. His blue print. Pre-determined before he was born. Free will would allow some adaptions to his story but only moving him slightly left or right of this timeline… 20 years.

I believe he lived as purposefully and impactfully as he did because his soul knew his time would be brief.

I believe that together we made each moment count because my soul knew our time would be brief.

The last 4 years of his life he became my subtle spiritual teacher. His curiosity and wisdom sparked my own curiosity and nourished wisdom within me. Consciously unknowing he prepared me for today. For the day he would go, and I would stay, and amidst the agony of his departure my gut and my soul would know, by the way he lived and the way we lived, that this was okay according to his contract. This was not a mistake in the universe.

I celebrate my son’s soul journey. 

I find beauty and stillness when I think of the journey his soul is on because I know he is joyful! How could I want for anything else for Saunder? I believe that to wish this to be undone is to not honor his journey but rather to prioritize and ease mine. 

I know he is working… healing, guiding, teaching.  

He was purposeful in those ways on this Earth. His purpose goes on and on. 

I grieve from a lighter place when I grieve from this space. 

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The truth is also this - As absolute as I am that he is right on course with his design it does not protect me from grief.

I miss our physical experience. 

It is the deepest missing I have ever known.

I miss my son. 

I ache everywhere. An ache that vacillates between dull and sharp but a permanent resident for now. Forever?

Life has become more complex as I move within the grief spiral while simultaneously carrying on with the day-to-day… while being there for Avery and Asher… while being present for Jason in his process… while digging deep into my reserves to be gentle, loving, strong and committed to our marriage despite the complexity of this journey and how dense grief is. We are all very different together now. I grieve the loss of us. There is much grace and forgiveness needed to go on as us.

Grief spirals and settles as victim, fear, and anger at some moments, and a deep love and gratitude in other moments. There is always missing. It is hard work to not be held hostage by grief.

Grief can be awakening. Through energy healing, therapy, reading, writing, and guided meditations grief lands more softly many days.

In this pain and through this suffering, I am finding meaning and purpose. I am evolving. I am growing. I am softer, wiser, and more compassionate because of grief.

I remain curious — The reward from revelations realized while navigating grief are powerful and enlightening. 

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I was given a book a week after Saunder passed by our close friend, Regan. Signs as well as The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson are great reads.

There is a language that exists on the Other Side. It is creative, beautiful, and powerful. It is by way of this language that Saunder and I continue.

Stagnating and prickly — these are the words I use to describe grief in its the most dense form. Guided imagery mediations and daily affirmations have played a large part in dulling the sharp edges and allowing me to move with grief while also encouraging me to be patient and gentle with myself.