Hearts beating

Insurmountable grief has changed Jason and I… as individuals and as a couple. It’s really hard to recognize each other most days. We rarely hold our grief the same way at the same time… when his dull mine is sharp; when I’m grieving from a place of love his grief is dark and angry. We’re on our own paths — parallel at most times as we each just try to get on in our own unique way. When our orbits intersect it’s a wild card. Will we come together with deep love or will the pain and fear of this unbearable loss ignite an ugly fight?

June 9th was an ugly fight. I can’t place how it began, but we’ll never forget how it ended.

It was a fight that went on far too long and the exchange was cut-throat. It started on the porch. It could have ended when we heard Asher crying in his room and we came together to comfort him in his grief but it didn’t. As soon as we were out of ear shot again we were back in it. Sitting in our living room dimly lit by a salt lamp that was letting us down — a recent purchase with the singular purpose to cleanse our home of negative energy. Our battle had reached new heights offering a slim chance of landing on common ground for the night.

Our thoughts were pulled off course when the lamp, set at full voltage, steadily began to fade in perfect cadence from maximum to minimum voltage. Within the minute it had the attention of both of us and there was an almost immediate shift in the way we began conducting ourselves. The steady cadence of the light continued for a few minutes before Jason acknowledged it without words with a looked of disbelief and his head dropped to his hands. I walked to the light and leaning over it I whispered to our son in the room, “Hi, Saunder. I’m glad you’re here. Thanks. We will start to sort this now. We’ll be okay. You can go.”

I returned to the sofa and sat back down. The light continued until Jason broke the silence.

“This is really happening. He’s here. The heart beat in the corner.”

And he was… encouraging us to check in with our heart and lead with unconditional love, compassion, empathy, and forgiveness.

The pulsing of the light stopped and settled back at the original full setting.

A fight ignited by the uncontainable grief of two people that just wanted their own grief to be witnessed ended without a need to have the last word.